4/21/16

Dear Dakota,

Alright. I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell you everything at the end of the summer. I have some things I need to give back to you and you said we could meet up in Indy. I’m going to tell you what I wrote in this letter:

So not gonna lie I was going to be a chicken shit and mail this to you. I uh…where do I start? Uhm…you don’t have to say anything at all. You don’t need to forgive me. I’m not expecting you to take me back and I’m not asking you to feel sorry for me. I’m just asking you to listen and that’s all. Oh boy. Okay here it goes. I fucked up. Big time. Because of something I didn’t even have hard core evidence of. I thought you were cheating on me.

You would get super defensive when I played with your phone- you would drink and cuddle with your best girl friend, the majority of people you talk to are girls, and you ALWAYS comment on other pictures of girls and tell them how pretty or beautiful they are. I’m sorry…fuck I’m not…fuckin’ shit. I’m not blaming you I’m just going over what’s running through my head.

I threw away the greatest fucking thing that ever happened to me all because of an assumption. Because I assumed. How fucking stupid is that? Jesus. I’m sorry. I’m truly deeply sorry. I did break up with you for the reasons I gave you though. They were all true. You deserve sooo much better. You are going to find an amazing woman who is going to have her mind made up with the whole kid thing.

You’re extremely hard to get over, ya know that? I probably shouldn’t be admitting this-I think about you all the time. I get jealous when you’re with other girls. I even keep a picture of us on my night stand. I miss having you in my life Dakota. We were best friends when we first started talking and I miss that so much. Not that our relationship sucked- you know what I mean.

I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Deep down I know it’s not going to work…we want different things…we’re in different places. I know we shouldn’t be together. One day I will truly accept that. I still love you Dakota and I always will.

4/20/16

Dear Dakota,

I’m still jealous.

So jealous.

But then there ya go again. Ya messaged me today. We talked all day long…and like I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you. But on the plus side your new girl is just a friend. Who lives half way across the country. We started out as friends…NO I won’t think about it. I’m not going to think about it. Or you. Oh who am I kidding.

4/18/16

Dear Mother Fucker,

Here I am minding my own business and checking snap chat and there you are. With another girl. Excuse me? What? You. Are. With. Another. Girl. I shouldn’t be jealous. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But I do. I was actually starting to get over you…but then I see you with…this beautiful woman and I feel like I was just hit by a semi. You picked her up from the airport. Where the fuck did you meet her? Mailorderbrides.com? All I’ve done all day is sit here and stalk you on social media. You went to the fucking gym together? Like what? Who does that? We used to do that…fuckin’. Fuck. UGH. I shouldn’t feel this way. You have every right to be with another girl…but I’m so fucking JELLY.

4/17/16

Dear Dakota,

This feels so…surreal. I can’t believe I’m actually at home right now. Not going to school. My Dad said I could take a break from school, but I have to go back either in the fall or winter. That’s fair I guess. I’m trying to stay positive though. I don’t ever have to see my roommates again, I don’t have to ever go to that school again, and I get a really long summer. I have a bout a month and a half until I start work. That gives me time to work on myself I guess.

4/15/16

Dear Dakota,

I took my last final this morning- I thought I did fairly well on it. I’m still really depressed, but I’m moving out today. I told my Dad what I did and he came up here in a heart beat to help me move out. I couldn’t have asked for a better father. He’s so caring and supportive. Even though he pulls Dad jokes all the time I still love him to death. I didn’t tell anyone I dropped out. I didn’t tell anyone about not going on the Greece trip. I didn’t tell anyone I was moving out. I don’t give two shits. I threw everything away that my roommates ever gave me. It felt so good.

4/14/16

Dear Dakota,

Ever since I came back to school from the hospital, my roommates have been treating me like shit. I haven’t written to you in a few days because I’m so fucking depressed. I want to kill myself to be honest. It obviously wouldn’t make a difference if I wasn’t here. To make matters worse I can’t go to Greece anymore. I’m in so much pain I can’t sit or walk without crying. I won’t be able to sit on a plane for like 10 hours. This was the only thing I was looking forward to this year. After sitting outside for like an hour I walked into the office of enrollment and dropped out of school. I didn’t even consult with my Dad or think through things. I just did it. I feel so numb right now I don’t know what to do with myself.

4/3/16

Dear Dakota,

It takes me like a year to get up and go to the bathroom. This is ridiculous. Actually I deserved this too. Good thing I only have two weeks left amiright? After that I’m going to Greece!! Not Grease. haha. Maybe I’ll have the guts to snap chat you. And by guts I mean alcohol and the ocean between us. If I ever saw you in public I don’t know what I’d do. Probably shit myself and pass out for sure. See, I talk a big game, but if we ever actually met in public I literally have no fucking clue what I would do.

4/2/16

Dear Dakota,

Shortly after we spoke yesterday I went to the ER. My roommates kindly took me. I think I slipped a disk or something. I couldn’t walk or stand up straight. My knees buckled every time I tried to walk. I got the douche canoes of all doctors. This guy thought I was faking and wanted pain meds. Like McScuse me, Bitch? yes. Hi my name is Amber and I love to come to hospitals for fun on Friday nights. It’s kind of one of my hobbies. Fuck your shit. If I wasn’t in pain I wouldn’t be here ya Dickasaurus. He said he was going to order a pain injection and I was like uhhh I’m afraid of needles. AND THE PUNK ASS BITCH ROLLED HIS EYES AT ME. I will roll this bed right over that smug face of yours. I hate this hospital. I want out, Dakota. We should have just ran away together. Your parents didn’t like me anyways. They’re probably celebrating the fact that we’re not together anymore. Fuck I’m in so much pain right now.

4/1/16

Dear Dakota,

Today is April 1st. April Fools Day. Last year I told you I was pregnant and you cried. It was so fricken funny, but at the same time it totally wasn’t haha. But today shocked the shit out of me. I’m not religious but I’m very sure there is a God out there somewhere. He answered me. You messaged me today on Twitter. You wanted to know how I was doing. Me? You want to talk to me? I should be asking you how you’re doing not the other way around. Was this actually happening right now or did I accidentally take some drugs? You asked me how my relationship was going. I told you. Karma got me real good this time. You disagreed. But why? I know I deserved what happened to me-but you- you said, “you know I wouldn’t wish anything like that upon you.” I don’t understand. I really don’t. What I do understand is how fucking stupid I looked while this conversation was going on. My heart was pounding, my eyes were wider than my hips, my jaw was open for a solid ten minutes, and I couldn’t stop pacing like a mad man. Fuck. I was so overwhelmed with all of these different feelings at once I didn’t know how to handle them. This was so out of the blue- I never expected you to contact me and now I’m more confused than the time I found out that Chicago wasn’t a state. Or the time I saw my guy cousin Frenching another guy. But like…you wanted to talk to me. I could tell; I’m not just saying that. I would reply with one word or two and that’s where the conversation usually ends, but you kept talkin’ to me. I seriously couldn’t believe it. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to type any of it.

I miss you. I still love you. I miss talking to you everyday and skyping you and tackling you…There’s just so much more. You’ll probably never hear any of it. But Dakota…I’m so fucking thankful that you talked to me. You have no idea how much I’ve messed you–us.

3/31/16

Dear Dakota,

GUESS WHAT OMG I GOT THE JOB!!!! I’m so pumped it sounds like a lot of fun!! My boss is super nice and I’ll be making 3 times what I made last summer! Maybe I’ll actually get a tan this year if I’m forced to be outside everyday. Oooo maybe I’ll dye my hair blonde…you always told me I’d be a cute blonde because I fit the role too well. Thanks I think?